Ad-Express and Daily Iowegian, Centerville, IA

August 30, 2012

The Romneys, Isaac and Samuel Jackson

By Argus Hamilton
Daily Iowegian

HOLLYWOOD —  

God bless America, and how's everybody?
Mitt Romney plans to reveal his life story at the GOP Convention when he accepts the nomination for president. He's a man committed to one woman who doesn't drink or smoke or ever use caffeine or drugs. After the speech Prince Harry will deliver the rebuttal.
New Jersey's delegates put Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan over the top on Tuesday. All conventions are jokes but this one lays it right out. An auditorium full of Protestants nominates a Mormon and a Roman Catholic and a hurricane named after a Jew happens by.
Hurricane Isaac approached Louisiana Tuesday night carrying eighty-mile-per-hour winds. The federal response was swift. Before it arrived, President Obama ordered FEMA to begin running TV commercials showing Paul Ryan pushing granny into the storm surge.
Mitt Romney arrived in Tampa for the GOP Convention Tuesday, leading in the polls for president. His numbers are definitely improving. According to one poll, his support among African-Americans is zero percent, but that's up ten percent from the month before.
Ann Romney gave an interview to Fox News Sunday in which she described how she and Mitt like to shop at Costco. It makes total sense. It seems only right that of all the huge discount stores, Republicans shop at the one which requires you to be a member.
Mitt Romney drew howls of disbelief from Democrats Sunday when he confirmed his wife's statement that they shop at Costco. However, it's true. Just the other day Mitt Romney was comparison shopping at Costco because he's thinking about buying WalMart.
Tropical Storm Isaac officially became a hurricane as it headed toward New Orleans Tuesday. The storm surge was the biggest fear. Democrats rushed FEMA to the Gulf of Mexico and Republicans ordered Chris Christie to cancel his morning swim in Tampa Bay.
Samuel Jackson tweeted he's angry God steered Isaac away from the GOP convention in Tampa toward New Orleans. It was a close call. Tampa's city council rapidly passed a law banning gay marriage and that was enough to turn the hurricane toward New Orleans.
Mississippi ordered all casinos to close Tuesday as Isaac approached land. It's really ironic. When the U.S. gave the Indian tribes land with no water on it or no water near it, they did not realize they were giving Indians an unfair advantage in the casino business.
President Obama ordered FEMA to go to Louisiana Sunday to prepare for any storm damages. Every other year FEMA must go to New Orleans for either a hurricane or an oil spill. If FEMA just moved their headquarters there, it'd save them the six-month journey.
President Obama disclosed plans Tuesday to help lower gasoline prices in the wake of refinery fires and the hurricane-shutdown of the gulf oil rigs. He's considering tapping the strategic oil reserve. He wants to fix an emergency shortage in his job approval ratings.
National Go Topless Day was celebrated with demonstrations in New York and San Francisco Sunday. Hundreds of women bared their chests for the right to go topless in public. People support it because they feel there aren't enough car accidents from texting.
The National Academy of Sciences commissioned a test which found that teens who smoke pot risk a drop in their IQs. It was expensive. To get them to take the test they paid L.A. high school students one thousand dollars cash in seven crisp one hundred-dollar bills.